Today is Valentines day.

As I sit here, listening to Imogen Heap, I cant help but cry.
My mind is over whelmed by thoughts of him.
I still have that rose he gave me last year. All dried up and delicate, lonely in a little glass vase.
I dont know why I even care so much. Why did I care so much?

Earlier I sat on my bedroom floor, taping, gluing, cutting.
I made a valentine box for my friend Jodi. I dont even know why. I have no life. I hoped it would make her feel special.
I filled it with Candy, the newest gossip girl book, a cd, and a letter from me.
My mom walked in. She asked if I was okay. I looked up at her, and said "no. im not."
She could see the pain in my eyes. She could see I was genuinely hurting.
Then she said, "Rachel, the kisses, the hugs, the flowers, the love. It was a thing of the past, you cant let him hurt you anymore."

I was shocked. My mom doesnt talk about stuff like that ever. HA, she just isnt the type of lady to let me have a boy in my room with the door closed. And I respect her for that.
I didnt know what to say. I just looked down, my face burning, holding back tears. She walked out.
I whispered, "I cant."

I dont understand why I cant go one fucking day without missing him.
Why I cant go one day without wondering where he's at, or how hes doing.
I want to know if hes happy. If she makes him happy. I want to know whats new with his life, whats his favorite song? How are his sisters?
I want answers. I want to know if he really did love me. I want to know why he left.
I feel so torn. So broken up. I dont even have to be his girlfriend. He doesnt even have to love me, ever again.
I just want him to want to be my friend. I just want to know him again.
I just want to be free.

So, here I am. Crying to myself, wondering where I went wrong.
Im not lonely, wishing for a valentine. I dont fucking want one. I really dont.
I just want a friend. I want his friendship.

So tonight, I'm going to gather all the 167 letters I have written to him, hidden in my closet, and Im going to burn them.
I just want to forget. I want to just let go. Please god, help me to let go.

Just kidding about the whole boy thing. Its not working. boo hoo.
I really, really, really, need to get out of Arkansas.

NOW.

I just dont want to talk about it.
Im so upset. I cant seem to get ahold of this. Damn it.

I just went days and days and days of crying.
Crying. Screaming. Hating.

I finally got ahold of myself, told my mom I was miserable, and she has accepted that Im going to move out soon.
Im not really sure if it's a good Idea, but I might move in with my friend Jodi.
Im not sure I'll be able to sleep at night while in the room over her and her boyfriend are fucking the night away.
But it would be better than living in this house.

Im losing it.
I feel like there is the 500 pound weight sitting on my chest.
Rachel, you have to be perfect.
Rachel, you're not doing good enough.
Rachel, you can be better !

Well, fuck you. How about I just not do anything at all?
So thats what I do. Sit. Starve. Cry. Binge. Cry some more. Lay in my bed wishing I was doing something better with my life.
I have no modivation because I'm always worring about not being good enough. Because my parents are always making sure Im perfect. IM NOT PERFECT. And I fucking wish they would just give me a chance to just be me.

I feel like Im holding so many secrets.
I cry and cry and cry. Jesus, please just take me home. I know Im good enough for Him.
But why cant I seem to grasp it? For christs sake.

On another note, my friend Alyssa is coming to visit from detroit. Last time I saw her I looked like a fat pig and I weighed a whopping 149 pounds.
I hope she thinks I look sick. I hope someone notices.

Fast started; 9:00 on wednesday night.